Hi Rebecca—As the author of this pronoun party, and in its defense, let me just say that this sentence is the opening of a one page prologue that indeed has “him” drowning “her” and yet the power dynamic completely reverses. (She goaded him into ending her life by revealing something that devastated him—and will set off the main actions in the novel) Those identities aren’t revealed until the climax. She has cancer, as is revealed in the next few sentences. The book’s subtitle is Sometimes revealing the criminal is worse than the crime itself.
I couldn’t leave your prologue up—sorry! If I open the door to people posting long excerpts, I’ll quickly lose control here :) Also, the title I referenced only refers to the movie. I’m unfamiliar with the book.
Okay--I understand. Thank you for posting my line. I love your comments and edits on the various lines that come up, and I learn from your suggestions every time. I think that in many cases, writers try to put too much into the opening sentence. Probably because of all the advice out there that tells us it should somehow encapsulate the entire novel. In my books, I generally rely on the opening paragraph rather than trying to cram everything into a single sentence.
Hi Rebecca—As the author of this pronoun party, and in its defense, let me just say that this sentence is the opening of a one page prologue that indeed has “him” drowning “her” and yet the power dynamic completely reverses. (She goaded him into ending her life by revealing something that devastated him—and will set off the main actions in the novel) Those identities aren’t revealed until the climax. She has cancer, as is revealed in the next few sentences. The book’s subtitle is Sometimes revealing the criminal is worse than the crime itself.
I couldn’t leave your prologue up—sorry! If I open the door to people posting long excerpts, I’ll quickly lose control here :) Also, the title I referenced only refers to the movie. I’m unfamiliar with the book.
David, thank you for sharing your work! The premise reminds me of The Life of David Gale—have you seen it?
Edit 1 all the way! It's far more punchy and compelling.
I like edit 2. Really draws me in.
Okay--I understand. Thank you for posting my line. I love your comments and edits on the various lines that come up, and I learn from your suggestions every time. I think that in many cases, writers try to put too much into the opening sentence. Probably because of all the advice out there that tells us it should somehow encapsulate the entire novel. In my books, I generally rely on the opening paragraph rather than trying to cram everything into a single sentence.
Hey Rebecca, I like edit 1. But I also like the original. Edit 2 didn't do anything for me.
I'd go with the second edit. Bringing his wife into the scene, has me already on edge about what Patrick might be up to.